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Movie sequels occasionally work if the script is a thoughtful continuation of the first film, but if they’re done badly, they end up recycling old storylines with a D-list cast for a quick buck. Then there are those sequels that are so bad, the movie studio tucks them into a deep, dark abyss of an alleyway to prevent you from seeing them. These are their stories.
Mean Girls 2
Despite multiple offers by Paramount to write the sequel, Tina Fey distanced herself from the monstrosity that is Mean Girls 2. The only actor who returned to the franchise was Tim Meadows, who played Principal Duvall. Coincidentally (or not?), he’s also starring in another upcoming sequel — Grown Ups 2. No surprise, the first 25 seconds of the trailer is swallowed by our favourite moments from the original film, because the new script doesn’t have two legs to stand on. The plot is essentially the same as the first, except Cady is replaced by Jo, a 17-year-old tomboy who lives with her father, and the lead Plastic is brunette instead of blonde. WOAH, slow down Mean Girls 2, you’re blowing my mind.
Legally Blondes
I was OBSESSED with Reese Witherspoon’s Legally Blonde when it came out in 2001 and watched it every year before school started. It was a tradition, so don’t JUDGE me thank you. That’s why it hurts my fragile soul to hear the Oscar-winning actress and blonde bombshell thought producing Legally Blondes (notice the plurality) would be a smart idea even after the failure of Legally Blonde 2 — the whole thing reeks of irony. In this stand alone triquel, the youngest cousins of Elle Woods must defend themselves when their school’s reigning forces frame them for a crime. The randomly British twins find strength in their Chihuahuas and use the school code to defend their pink-dominated wardrobe. Amurca’s about freedom of choice y’all.
Titanic II
When I learned of the existence of Titanic II I stopped typing, widened my eyes and mimicked the NONONO cat. If writers maintain some semblance of cheesy humor and tackiness in B-films then these low-budget sequels actually turn out to be real knee-slappers. Unfortunately, these producers were FOR CEREAL guys. That is, for serious. On the 100th anniversary of the original voyage, the luxury liner named “Titanic 2″ (that’s a bad omen if I ever heard one) follows the path of its namesake. SURPRISE: A tsunami hits and the ship hurls into an iceberg. The score on IMDb? 1.8/10. #Win. My mind would be blown if the upcoming voyage of the real Titanic II is merely an extravagant production to promote this forgotten film.
Tooth Fairy 2
The original Tooth Fairy was pretty shoddy, but at least there was the charm of bulky Dwayne Johnson donning delicate fairy wings on Julie Andrews’ insistence. Apparently the original film wasn’t “outlandish” enough because they decided to cast Larry the Cable Guy as the Tooth Fairy and thought it would be hilarz if he wore a pink tutu and spandex. It wasn’t. In the sequel, Larry decides to impress the girl he loves by helping children at an after school program. When he accidentally tells the kids the Tooth Fairy is a ruse, he is sentenced to tooth fairydom.
Another Cinderella Story
I’m not gonna lie. I’d probably watch this movie if I was all alone on a random Tuesday night while a blizzard raged outside cutting all residential power save my battery-operated portable DVD player. Selena Gomez took over for Disney alum Lizzie McGuire Hilary Duff, proving Hollywood can and WILL write the Cinderella story over and over again because they’ve run out of decent ideas (and their brains are fried from Honey Boo Boo).
Sandlot 2
Sandlot was one of my favourite movies when I was in preschool and I’d re-watch it with my best friend over and over, even though the dog TERRIFIED me. I’m not disappointed to hear about this sequel, even if it has the exact same plot. A group of young baseball players test the terrifying myth of Mr. Mertle and his freakishly large dog. No. Freaking. Way.
Cheaper By The Dozen 2
Remember how good the first Cheaper By The Dozen was? Neither do I. That’s why I was surprised when the sequel got the green light AND the rarity of the original cast (sans Ashton Kutcher) signing on. In the sequel, the Baker family finds themselves in competition with a rival family of eight children while on vacay. The only thing working in this film’s favor is that Eugene Levy plays a dad.
I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer is the third instalment of the series and makes me think: “Okay, we freaking get it okay? We know, you’ve always known and you will always know. You’re a Mensa genius, let’s move on.” Although the film was a continuation of the series, it didn’t include the original cast. With a runtime of 92 minutes and dialogue like “THE SECRET DIES WITH YOU” you know they were scraping the barrel for any new ideas they could think of.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
The most concerning thing about 2005′s Deuce Bigalow European Gigalo is that the budget was $22.4 million dollars. While the first one might have gained a cult following it didn’t warrant boardroom enthusiasm for such a ridiculous budget. Seriously, did Ari Gold march into the office one day boasting, “Guys I got it, we recycle everything that was semi-decent in the first movie but pretend it’s brand new because get this… it’s in EUROPE!!” Let the culture clashing and inappropriate jokes begin.
Leprechaun 6: Back 2 Tha Hood
A Christmas Story 2
War of the Worlds 2
The sequel to War of the Worlds (NOT the Tom Cruise version) takes place two years after the original martian invasion. George Herbert’s worst fears are realized: The aliens have returned [dumdumdum]. The great thing about it? Lines like this: “While we searched the Internet and waited in line for our soy lattes, they needed only one thing to survive: Our blood.” Funnily enough, the sequel is for the 2005 modern retelling that came out one day before the big budget Hollywood version.
Weekend at Bernie’s 2
You might think: Where the hell do they have left to go with this story?! The first movie was unbelievable enough, but in this version Larry and Richard use a voodoo revived corpse to track down hidden money and clear their names. Bernie’s original cult will probably remain loyal devotees to the franchise, which was impossible improbable to begin with.
The original Blair Witch Project was the main reason I couldn’t sleep in middle school, since my dad told me the film was actually a documentary. The second film continues with the mockumentary vibe, as students at a Boston college become fascinated by the events of the three missing filmakers in Maryland. They decide to go into the same woods and find out what really happened, because it seems like the smart, logical and not at all dangerous thing to do.
Dirty Dancing 2
I’m going to stand up for this one, mainly because I’m obsessed with Diego Luna, Romola Garai, Dirty Dancing, Havana, Latin dance and the 1950s. What’s there not to like? That said, I’m the minority — a VERY small minority. In the sequel, an American teen moves with her parents and younger sister to Havana during the revolution, and falls in love with a Cuban teen who teaches her Latin dance. Bonus: Patrick Swayze makes a cameo in one of his final movie performances ever.
S Darko
The mind f*ck of an original movie didn’t warrant a sequel but someone thought they’d bend our minds a little more with S Darko. Our new antagonist protagonist main person is Donnie’s littler sister Samantha, who’s all grown up. On a roadtrip to Los Angeles with a friend, she’s plagued with bizarre visions. Another apocalypse is on the way and time travel is more possible than before. Your brain might melt faster than a soft wax candle.
Grease 2
The songs from the original film were way too iconic for a sequel to achieve the same level of success. In this version, an English student at a 1960s high school has to prove himself to the leader of a girls’ gang whose members only date greasers. The film cleverly swaps the original roles of Sandy and Danny and they have the bright idea to replace the Australian connection with a British one.
Dumb and Dumberer
When Harry Met Lloyd is the DUMB prequel to Dumb and Dumberer, and it doesn’t even star Jim Carrey or Jeff Daniels. The film chronicles the two friends crossing paths in high school with a mean principal and bunch of other outcasts. Get ready for some slapstick non-hilarity.
Alvin and the Chipmunk, The Squeakuel
I suppose it’s not really fair to poke fun of this “squeakrel” because if I was 15 years younger I’d sure as hell love this movie… plus, the girl chipmunk is named Brittany, not that I’m biased or anything. In the sequel, the pre-teen chipmunk trio put up with the pressures of school, stardom and a rival female music group named The Chipettes. I wonder what films we were obsessed with when we were younger that made our parents think “are you freaking serious?”
Son of the Mask
The next generation of mischief goes to the son of an aspiring cartoonist. After his dog stumbles upon the mask of Loki, he conceives a son “born of the mask.” Expect loads of goofy antics, bad effects, non sensical storylines and no Jim Carey. Of, and one rambunctious dog.
What do you think it the most unnecessary sequel ever made?
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